


Not Now

by jperalta



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Donna is the one to find Josh in his apartment after he breaks the window then has to save him from something more terrible.





	Not Now

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: detailed explanation of suicidal thoughts

A million thoughts were coursing through his brain - he felt like there was electricity shooting into his body and he didn’t know how to stop it. Death. Disaster. Crash. He could see everyone’s face at the same time all blended together into darkness. He took another swig of his whiskey and told himself this last sip would be the one to make him pass out. But it didn’t work that way and it just made him feel like he was swimming underwater. He tried to take a breath but it was as though the oxygen had left the room. He felt like he was drowning. He put his hands over his ears to try to stop the screaming but it was coming from within and there was nothing he could do. He tried to smack his head in hopes that it would make everything toxic leave but instead his hands just began to hurt. He thought he could hear someone at the door but the sound was too muffled by everything else going on in his head. He wanted it to stop. He couldn’t keep living like this. He needed some sort of release and everything that had previously worked had just stopped. 

So he took his misplaced energy and used it to fling himself in the direction of the window. He could see a small crack on the window - maybe from a bird flying into it - and he felt overcome with sadness. He saw the crack sprawling in several directions and could suddenly imagine feeling the heat of the sharp glass cutting into his hands.He could see it happening in his head - pieces of glass flying all over the room, tearing through his skin - he could see it happening, and he began to want it to happen. His eyes began to widen as some sort of mania took over, and before thinking about anything much more, he found his palm slamming so hard into the small crack that within seconds there was a huge bloody gash on his palm and glass was sprinkling down into his hair. 

“Joshua Lyman! Open this goddamn door!”

He could hear her voice from the hallway, but only for a second. He blinked towards the door and noticed it shaking, as though she was trying to burst her way in. He knew he should stop. He knew he should go back, let her in, lie and say everything was fine despite the mess. But instead, he took a step onto the ledge. The wind was whipping through his hair and he had never felt more free and fearless. He could see the lights of the cars flashing underneath him, probably having no idea what was going on above. But what if they could? He felt an extreme pang of guilt. I can’t deal with it. He kept looking down and heard crashing but to him everything was white noise. He began to lose the feeling in his hands and his toes and felt as though it was only a matter of time until he fainted or jumped and could only feel the wind before he felt nothing at all. Time had stopped moving and he could only see down - could only feel the hairs on his arms standing up, reaching towards something. His toes twitched as they hung off the ledge. 

Then suddenly, everything was spinning. He felt warm and confused as he shut his eyes, not entirely sure of where he was. All he knew for sure was that it felt like someone was holding him, pinning him to the floor. He didn’t even attempt to move as he sensed what felt like warm arms spinning around his torso. “Donna…” he breathed, taking what was seemingly the last bit of oxygen out of his body. He felt her arms tighten around him. 

“Josh Lyman, when this is over I’m going to kill you.”

He buried his face in her arms. He let his tears spill onto her sleeves. He let himself be held by her until he felt life coming back into his body.


End file.
